"Much Too Young to Feel This Damn Old"

I'm sorry to say that that time of the year has rolled around again, and if you can put up with my rambling for one more year, not only will I be impressed as all hell, I'll be sincerely grateful with it.

I'm going to begin by thanking my friends.

Certain of you were there for me four years ago, when it was so difficult I was on the verge of cracking up every single day, and for that I thank you. Others were kind enough to listen when I needed to talk, to offer what advice they could, and to help however they could. I thank you for that.

All of you have been good and patient and have managed to put up with a solid four years of my vigil and I have to say I never thought any of you would last that long. So for that, and for all the lesser, myriad annoyances and irritating features I've made you endure, I thank you.

Okay.

Now all of you know that if there's one thing I do way too much, it's talk. But I think you'll agree that, because of obvious, awkward reasons and personal ones, this is the one subject I just don't like to talk about it.

But if there was ever a day when I thought I could man up and actually discuss the subject, it's today.

Today would have been my Mum's 51st Birthday, and I'm sure somewhere she's cackling about the fact that she isn't going to get all wrinkly and slow after this point, bless her. Normally on Mum's birthday I try to drown my sorrows in alcohol or otherwise, and believe me, I'll definitely be intoxicating myself into a stupor after I finish writing, but this year I've decided that I should actually tell you what happened after Mum passed away.

..I really hope I just suck it up and set this blog to private at some point.

Anyway..

I haven't felt the same since Mum passed away. About anything.

After she was taken, I confess I let everything go slowly to hell. The cats, rest their souls, got older and more difficult, I fed them and cleaned them and changed their tray but, to me, they weren't.. they weren't really there anymore, d'you see? So eventually they all went to sleep, some in sadder ways than others, and I went on.

Alex, my then-girlfriend, was still there, but I just couldn't deal with her anymore. She could be lovely when she tried, but there was something in me that just snapped every time she spoke. At every look, every touch (extremely rare as they were), every breath, I felt something wrenching at me. We smoldered, faded and died as a couple. She moved on, but I had nowhere to move to.

That's how I've felt since it happened. I've got nothing to move on to.

Mum was my best friend, and fuck you if you're even thinking the word 'cliche', and she was, above all else, my Mum. She took care of me from day one, devoted in that way that only mothers can be.

The rest of my family just seemed to vanish from my viewpoint. They were around, of course. I really, really couldn't have gotten anywhere without my Auntie Gill, Dad, Lou, Uncle Jimmy, and Big Rich. But they.. I just forgot about them half the time. Still do, as a matter of fact. When Mum was here they were very much real and very much there, at the end of a phone or in person every other week or so. I used to love visiting them, even if my sour demeanour indicated otherwise.

I forgot birthdays, which in itself isn't much of a thing (those who have seen my Big Birthday List on my kitchen cupboard door will understand), but now they were just gone. Blips on the radar, barely. Everything was dead, the world had ended, what was beloved by me was just fucking TAKEN like what she wanted didn't even matter, precious fucking God didn't step in at any point to set things right. Even shouting at people wasn't working. Nothing worked, Mum wasn't here for me to complain to about it.. All I really feel is left for me is waiting to fall in front of a bus. Or getting mauled to death by a low-flying mortgage. Maybe both at once. I just feel so fucking old.

And who else is going to put up with me? I mean, I know people usually tolerate my presence, but since Mum passed away I feel like the only person who ever really liked me, not just tolerated me or put up with me, is gone. Anytime I speak to anyone now, ANYONE, I just get the impression that the only reason they haven't told me to fuck off is because they feel sorry for me or they feel some obligation, or they've got no-one else to talk to, you know?

Mum actually WANTED to speak to me, whether it be to find out what I was thinking, what I wanted for dinner, whether she should wear the good earrings or not, what was on telly, where did I put the bloody remote, or could I make her a cup of tea..

..shit..

Okay, look, I'm gonna get the fuck out of here while I can still see and start hitting the vodka and drugs. Don't worry, I'm well aware of my limits.

The point of this self-deprecating rant was actually something positive, though you might not be able to tell that by my sudden spiral into uselessness, which is:

You really, really, REALLY don't know what you've got 'til it's gone, and fuck those jaded bastards who take this sort of thing in their stride or wuss out because they think it's cliched.

Do me one small favour and I promise I'll leave you guys alone for ages. If you can, just give your Mum a bell and see how she's doing, yeah? If not, give your old man a shout. No need to say hi for me, say hi for yourself instead. Just make sure they're okay.

Odsox.

"Ladies and gentlemen.. Fasten your seatbelts."

NURH-NURH-NUH-NURNURNUR-NURH-NURH-NURH-NURH! (Pendulum: Fasten Your Seatbelt)

Do you know what’s happening over the coming weekend? No?

Well you’re being deprived.

For the next five days, I am going to be in Reading (U.K.) for the [url=http://www.readingfestival.com]Carling Festival[/url].

I’ll be enjoying the weather, the atmosphere and an absolute [url=http://www.readingfestival.com/lineup/index.aspx]SHEDLOAD[/url] of live music. A few of my friends are going, and the rest of our Colchestrian Camp will be made up of people who can tolerate my presence, so I should be okay.

Our mission?

BOOZE. BANDS. FUN. SUN.

I thought it best to let you know now, just in case I don’t make it back. It’s going to get messy, and I fully expect to be Changed when (read: if) I return. I’ll be putting my Character/Personality Reboot into action while I’m there; attempting to reclaim the angry-looking-dude-who-doesn’t-talk-much persona that was mine so many years ago, before I became the chatty-bastard-who-just-complains. This could go horribly wrong, but Reading is the kind of place one likes to try weird things.

LOCK AND LOAD, PEOPLE! IT’S FESTIVAL TIME AGAIN!

Love,

Odsox.

"It's time to light the lights!"

Good morning.


So were you one of those kids who knew what they wanted to be when they were little? Like fireman, policeman officer, vet, showjumper, model, actor, singer, blah de blah yakkety shmakkety?


What did you want to be?


Because I didn't know. I remember once when a friend of mine was over, we were only little, five or six or seven. I think it was his mum that asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up, and I'm pretty sure my buddy responded with one of those usual answers. I, however, replied simply, 'Nothing.' Looking back on it, that seems like a perfectly legitimate answer. Shit, up until a few months ago I still didn't know what I want to do with my life.


I've been through phases, same as you guys. I wanted to be an actor, I wanted to be a musician, I wanted to be an artist, a writer (admittedly I still want to be a writer - keep an eye out for dodgy fan fiction and short stories!), for about a week I wanted to be a fashion designer. Seriously! I was fifteen at the time, I think. Obsessed with cool outfits and the like. I wanted to be something that involved doing what I wanted, using my imagination, and the last thing I wanted to do was be stuck in a boring job where all I do is take orders from higher-ups.


Hence my never having a paper round or getting a Mac job. But you know, I was working in retail at the age of fifteen, and I stuck with that job for three years. What a mistake. I've been known to flit between temp jobs - I've been a temp for about five years now. I had one permanent job at a restaurant which worked out really well once I started my chef training, but due to constant misunderstandings between myself and the boss, who I admittedly never liked anyway, I quit.


Now, at the age of twenty-three (feels more like forty-seven), I've finally whittled my ideal job list down to one thing, one almost unattainable thing.

I'd like to work for the Jim Henson Creature Workshop. Obviously I have no training, no experience, no skills, no nothing, but I think if I ever got the chance, I would take that job like a fucking shot. Have you ever seen The Muppets or Farscape or The Storyteller? Not to mention Labyrinth, Dark Crystal.. Their creatures are just so brilliantly varied! I'd LOVE to make monsters for a living!

Anyway, I've gone on for a bit, so I'll let you lot get back to whatever it is you were doing before I interrupted you.

Hope I didn't take up too much of you your time!

Love, Odsox