I have come to a painful conclusion.
Tonight I’m going to shave off my beard.
I know, I know, simmer down. It’s the source of my power, of this I am well aware. But I’m also aware of how the ladies, apart from Adam’s missus (lucky bastard), don’t like a beard on a man. I’ll probably go clean-shaven and let it grow in for Reading, so hopefully I’ll have some respectable stubble for the festival.
That is, assuming I can go. I can’t get an overdraft on my current bank account (YES I KNOW THEY’RE RUBBISH I’m looking into getting a Lloyds account..) and I’ve really been pushing the limits of borrowing money from my relatives. I’m just grateful they haven’t broken my legs yet. This leaves my friends, who are equally, if not more so, strapped for cash, though they have come through for me many times in the past, the way friends do.
So it’s looking pretty grim, isn’t it? I’ll be giving my bank a call today, though God-Emperor only knows why, their accents are all so thick you can virtually hear the sacred elephants lowing in the background (that’s a pop at banks for outsourcing btw, not a racist comment). With any luck they’ll jump at the chance to try and skin more money out of me. If not, I’ll just have to find another way to make some extremely fast cash.
Anyone need someone killed? I’m cheap! Just £250 per head! Extra £50 if you want it giftwrapped, mind you.
Classy like.
Love, Odsox.
NB: Just thought I’d tell you quickly about a dream I had the other night.
I was at the bar in Valentino’s with some of my mates - Justin, Adam, Gem, my usual crowd - chatting idly (mainly nonsense words on their part) while waiting for a round of double JD & Cokes. Suddenly I feel this wrenching pain in my teeth, all around my mouth and I can actually FEEL them breaking against each other, growing out and snapping off. It’s not the first time I’ve had this happen in a dream, so I thought with a few minutes I could deal with the pain. Suddenly I spit teeth across the bar (no blood mind you, which is a bit weird), cough, feel AWFUL, like the world’s about to end, and start vomiting teeth. Not in little retching bursts, the way I normally throw up, but huge gouts of teeth, jetting out of my mouth and erupting from my throat. I can feel my stomach convulsing and emptying, and every single sharp edge and surface scrapes the inside of my throat like thousands of tiny bone-knives. After collapsing into a shuddering heap, the pain vanishes, and I wake up.
Bit of a strange dream, that one.
Anyway, TTFN!