I use the word 'hate' a lot. An awful lot. So often that no-one takes it seriously anymore. This got me thinking on the bus this morning; if I'm honest, what do I really really hate? And, after a careful process of whittling and battering my way up the list (it was like those friggin' steps at Pai Mei's place in Kill Bill 2) I managed to think of just a few things that genuinely piss me off. Things I can preface with the words 'I hate' and mean it. They're small, petty, personal things, but I've found that they're worth the most hating. Here we go, in ascending order:
5. People who claim to have hayfever but spend 97% of their Summer in blissful clarity.
SRSLY. I HATE these bastards. 'Ooh, I have hayfever, sniff sniff' BOLLOCKS!!! They don't understand TRUE suffering. I can't describe quite how horrific my hayfever becomes, but let's say that if you picture my mug with a streaming nose, snot in the moustache, eyes so bloodshot it looks like I've been in a Dutch greenhouse for a year, mounds of tissues that infest any place I go (so much so that I've been accosted by several of my managers over the years for the unhygienic ramifications of them) and an itching INSIDE MY EYES that no amount of scratching, rubbing or applying sandpaper will get rid of, then you have an inkling of what REAL hayfever is like.
4. People who walk slowly.
I know for a fact that I ain't alone here. How many times have you been trying to get somewhere only to have two or more (the worst is the Tourist Family) people casually stroll out into your path and proceed to walk so slow they may as well be going backwards? I honestly have to fight the urge to just elbow my way past these fuckers, so much so that I've decided my twilight years will be spent tracking groups of them in my Ben-Hur wheelchair with the wheel spikes and dozer blade in order to horribly maim them so they can't do it to anyone else. And if anyone says anything I'll just plead senility.
3. PDLs.
Or 'Public Displays of Lust'. Displays of affection are just fine with me. You know; a peck on the cheek, a gentle kiss, a casual slap on the rear, a hug, that sort of thing. It's when people insist on kissing like a pair of mating octopus that pisses me off. KEEP YOUR FUCKING HANDS ABOVE THE WAISTLINE, you degenerate shitters! When I'm wandering around I don't want to see Scrawny McWhiteboy trying to diddle Slaggy Whale-Arse's pooter in the middle of the bloody High Street!!
2. OMG
I swear by the blood of my ancestors, if I ever, ever murder someone, this is the likeliest of reasons. I cannot express my hatred of this phrase enough. It started with she-who-must-not-be-named (but you can find her on any cheapslack Home Video site) as far as I'm concerned, and it must end with her death. It's not even like I'm religious. In fact, some days I wish I WAS religious so that I could really take offence and be like, 'Don't speak the Lord's name in vain! TASTE GOODBOOK, HEATHEN! *BIBLESLAP*' I would actually carry a bible for that purpose. A leatherbound one with sharp metal studs on the cover and a bloody great raised metal crucifix for maximum bruising. Anyone, ANYONE who says this phrase in my presence is taking a risk. It implies a lack of intelligence, originality, creativity and just plain common sense. At least 50% of people (even if they don't like to admit it) don't believe in God (the Christian one, anyway), so they're impugning their own intelligence by uttering the bloody words!
1. People who think sharks are 'misunderstood'.
Fuck you. Fuck you right up the ass with a rusty chainsaw. A chainsaw with a fucking shark painted on it.
Do you even know anything about sharks?
"Evidence for the existence of sharks extends back over 450–420 million years."
This should imply something, at the very least. A predator that has been around that long has to be considered successful, if not ridiculously overqualified.
"Estimates suggest that over a span of a few years a shark may grow tens of thousands of teeth."
Yeah, did you ever read Little Red Riding Hood? ALL THE BETTER TO EAT YOU WITH, MOTHERFUCKER.
"Despite the common myth that sharks are instinct-driven "eating machines", recent studies have indicated that many species possess powerful problem-solving skills, social complexity and curiosity."
WHAT fucking myth!? They are driven by the instinct to eat!. AS ARE A MULTITUDE OF LIFEFORMS!!!! For fuck's sake!!
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Right, it's getting too sweary and idiotic in here for me, so I'm going to bow out and go to lunch.
Also, in response to questions about my Most Hated No.1 - Yes, I did consider The French, but deemed them an evolutionary cul-de-sac and ultimately harmless, whereas anyone with two brain cells to rub together can see that sharks remain a high-risk threat to international welfare.