"Isn't She Lovely?"

Right, that's that gloomy, miserable post off the front page.

Now, where were we?

Ah yes. GIRLS.

They're brilliant, aren't they? I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but we have a fair few hot girls in my workplace. Obviously due to the nature of the work itself (mmmmm, bureaucracy) our ranks mostly consist of middle-aged and upwards women, with one or two old dudes thrown in for their sins. But we do have a younger set within the group, consisting of a few young dudes and quite a few nice girls.

IS NICE!

Now I'll give you a couple of warnings before I continue:

One: As a dude, it's VERY VERY VERY difficult to do anything involving girls without one's brain resetting to type after about four seconds.

Two: It's also very difficult to say ANYTHING honest without sounding like a.. what's that word.. chauvinist? Possibly. Sounds a bit German to me though.

Three: While reading this, you should take my TGL factor into mind before reacting.

What's a TGL factor? Time/Gettin'Laid.

Basically, the more time a dude spends between intimate moments, the more difficult it is for said dude to concentrate on anything other than sex. This, my reasoning dictates, is why dudes who get laid on the regular are so rational, often listening to their girlfriends or wives or what have you. A dude with a TGL factor of, say, eight hours, will be more rational, competent and sensible than a dude with a TGL factor of 2 years, and as a consequence will more often than not turn down that last beer, shot or kebab in favour of getting a warm cab back home with the missus or, heck, tidying the house and feeding the cat.

And who can blame him? When you hold the positive attention of a woman, you feel like the most important person in the whole world. You can do anything, beat anyone, run a thousand miles or rescue a puppy from the jaws of a monstrous sea creature.

All right, maybe not that last one. Not in my case, anyway.

You'd jump off a slightly tall bridge, say 'Oh yeah?' to a mouthy git before backing down, buy baby wipes to put by the toilet, attempt (and likely fail) to cook a 'nice dinner', all this and more: Just to keep that gorgeous smile pointed at your face and those silky fingers on your skin; to hear that breathy voice in the night, to feel that shuddering, impassioned heat; to catch that sweet scent as she walks by and to feel the soft tickling of her hair on your face.

To know that whenever you need to rage or cry or scream, you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that she's terrified of spiders and therefore not nearly as macho as you.

But you get my point.

In contrast to the dude with a low TGL, the dude on the other end of the scale can become more of a danger to himself as he goes on. His language and behaviour become more crude, more impulsive and ill-thought; his sense of hygiene goes through fits and starts, sometimes going three days without a proper shower. High-TGL dude gives into the urge to go out and get drunk more often; he stays 'til the last pint and wakes up in a cold bed feeling like someone shit in a bag and left it on his head all night. Sometimes that might actually happen, especially if our High-TGL dude has been partying with others of his kind.

While results are inconclusive regarding the longevity and life expectancy of High-TGL dudes (they usually fade away into the obscurity of a desk job or the incessant beeping idiocy of retail work), it is obvious to the scientific mind that this downward spiral can be halted with a generous application of T 'n' A.

So girls, keep all this in mind next time you see a braying, crude bastard at the bar leering at your cleavage or following you round the pub with his bloodshot eyes.

Maybe all he needs is a kick start shag to save his life.

Odsox.

P.S. NO, it hasn't been two years for me. That was an example.

P.P.S. It's been a year and two months. BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.